* what's past are forever left behind as memories somewhere in my heart...

Sunday, November 13, 2005

tell me, is there a medicine available for curing "jealousy"? this is an incurable disease which had bugged me ever since the day i know what's happening around me.

last time, used to think that i'll only be jealous to the one i love. i'd act so stupid when the jealousy got over me. always making myself look so bad in front of him when my jealousy acts up. we quarrelled millions of times for that. after on, i suppressed this feeling of mine quite a little bit of success. therefore, i thought i was cured for once.

the days between he's not here with me anymore till now, i never want to bow low to my syndrome acting up, again. might be due to the fact that i might be able to escape from it if i dont admit. but i was so so wrong. it's coming all back. it's coming back furiously. this feeling is so strong that it's making me emotionally breaking down. i felt such a loser whenever it acts up. it's like "why cant i control my emotions?" why the hell would i have such a strong feeling? am i abnormal? most of the time people felt that way for their loved ones, but why yaya has to feel that for friends too? my heart's strained too much... exhausted

i cant stop myself from thinking that i'll end up like dad one day. with lotsa friends around but they're just those "hi-bye" friends. with one/two true friends left behind to come to my funeral for my last journey. this is saddening, very. last time, i lost them for i showered all my love and attention on just one person. now, when i wanna distribute to all, i was so tied down by other things. it's all drifting away, further and further away...

one day, if you stop loving me that much as i love you, or you simply cant stand me anymore, do let me know before you leave me... so that i can bury myself with all the grievances and tears in my very own coffin and get burnt into ashes... *amen*

-YayA- screamed at papaya 11:31!